i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
