My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
