I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
