I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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