HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
