I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
