Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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