i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
3 2 1 whiskey
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
