i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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