i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize