It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
