stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize