He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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