Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
