If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
