My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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