I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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