I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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