mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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