There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
