I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
my poor anus
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
