His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
