Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
