Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize