I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
