Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
