Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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