best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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