its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
