He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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