What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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