He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
don't judge my taste in strippers
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
