i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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