Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
