i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
