OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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