All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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