A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
honey bunches of taint.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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