Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
