i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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