He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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