i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
did i walk over a car last night?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
