careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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