At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
