I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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