New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
