You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
