My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
