I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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