If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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