Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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