Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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