Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
