omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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