if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
