It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
