There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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