New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
