Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
