Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
