I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
