I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
