i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
