Can i not drive my cunt home
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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