My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
