Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
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