If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
