hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
