he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize