Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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