like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
