My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
