Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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