i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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